Carrie needs to gain and secure the complete obedience of her husband who is only partially cooperating in this female-led relationship.
Although this is an open letter to Rose of Rose and Terry whose many real-life articles on this site describe an enduring female-led relationship, responses are welcomed from anyone with advice to offer.
Please be invited to reply in the comment area at the end of this article. You may use the email address a@b.com to protect your privacy when posting.
Rose, I love it! We are a couple who are new to a female-led relationship (FLR). For about a year we have been experimenting but have now reached a point where we need your advice and I need your help.
While I am seriously and fully committed to making this relationship work, my fiance says he is ready but I feel it is only a game to him. When he desires the paddling he doesn’t want to be told what to do — yes, just like a little boy being selfish. We have been on a roller coaster with this relationship structure and to top everything off I feel that he allows his past – meaning his ex-wife – to remind him that this lifestyle is bad and he is sick, as she put it.
There are many times when he does not respond to my lead: he refuses and then gets mad at me and doesn’t do as I want telling me it is not good timing. Yes, that makes me even angrier.
I know he has started to read your stories and I am hoping he understands that he does not have a choice — he needs to do as he is told. Our life would be so much better if he did.
I try to be organized, I try to show him that if he follows my lead life would be much happier for both of us.
Here are the things I am struggling with:
- Being on his phone when he wants without regard for me,
- Having a lock on his phones: That bothers me. His defense is to state that he does not ask to see what is on my phone. I don’t hide anything and I expect the same openness and transparency from him,
- He says he wants his alone time in the morning,
- He doesn’t do anything for me unless I ask him,
- He tells me he loves me, but honestly, I feel that he doesn’t think about us and this relationship and our lifestyle unless he wants to,
- His job is lots of hard work but I work also work hard and then some.
I need help trying to figure out how and what I need to do to get through to him. I do believe he is happier when I am firm. However, I want him to both see me as his wife and enhance our female-led relationship where I don’t feel I am having to punish him all the time because he refuses to do or obey as I lead and direct for our mutual benefit.
Please help me.
Fantasy and reality are quite different. Rose will quickly bend my will to disobey.
There seems to be a wide range of female led relationships. They are not all alike, just as non-FLR relationships are not all alike. My girlfriend paddles me sometimes when she is annoyed with me, but she is not extremely dominant and her spankings are not overly severe, just enough to make my bottom sting and teach me to respect her.
We know a woman who is much stricter with her husband and sometimes spanks him when he has not misbehaved in any way. She does this partly because she enjoys doing it and partly to show that she has the pants on in their relationship. Any time she wants, he has to bend over and submit to her discipline, whether he likes the idea or not.
We know another woman who does not discipline her husband so frequently and only punishes him when she is really displeased with his behavior. When she does punish him however, she is severe and gives him twenty or more strokes with a cane on his bare bottom. She keeps the cane hanging on the wall as a reminder of what he can expect if he seriously misbehaves.
I hope Carrie managed to resolve the issues in her relationship. I think that if both parties are happy with it, a marriage where the wife expects complete obedience from her husband and where he is subject to firm discipline, can be very successful.
Some more thoughts. As I said, my girlfriend is not overly dominant, but sometimes when she is in a bossy mood she tells me what to do in a firm voice: “Wash the dishes, boy. Now!” I find obedience to her sexy, whether there is a threat of spanking involved or not. And she clearly enjoys having me firmly under her control. Thus, I can understand the attraction for both parties of a relationship where the woman expects complete obedience from her partner.
Personally, I usually stay in my underpants voluntarily. My partner is more sensitive to cold than I am, so when the temperature is right for her fully dressed it is warm enough for me in underwear. This suits us both and if she is displeased with me, it enables her to give me a few firm swats on the seat of my underpants as a warning. Of course, if I don’t heed the warning she takes my underpants down and puts me across her knee for a severe spanking on my bare bottom.
It is probably too late to be of use to Carrie, but for any other woman who wants to keep her male partner in line, one good method is to keep him dressed in just a pair of underpants all the time at home. You can lock his other clothes in a closet to which only you have the key. This will prevent him leaving the house without your permission and if he needs to be disciplined, there is only one item of clothing that needs to be removed. If female friends call by, you can explain that you keep him in his underwear to stop him going out drinking with the boys (you don’t have to mention spanking if you don’t want to). The embarrassment of being in his underpants in front of your girlfriends will help to keep him under control, especially if they are scanty tight fitting white briefs.
Seems odd to me how things got interpreted by her.
He has a lock on his phone and that bothers her. Does she not close the bathroom door when she is in there? Everyone needs privacy. Besides, phones get lost or stolen all the time. Having a lock on your phone will come in handy.
Regarding his position that “he wants alone time in the morning,” some people need time to think, might have a lot going on, or just might find peace and quiet to be pleasurable.
Rather than complain, why not let him have what he needs too, or at least ask him about what he likes to do with his alone time?
You also mention that he doesn’t do anything for you unless you ask him. But you don’t give any examples. Assuming you are talking about chores, it would be pretty easy to solve that by assigning them. But if you mean he doesn’t initiate a foot or back massage, or bring you flowers for no reason, try having a chat and saying something like “I really enjoy it when you ______.”
Regarding your statement, “He tells me he loves me, but honestly, I feel that he doesn’t think about us and this relationship and our lifestyle unless he wants to,” well, neither do you from your statements.
For any relationship to work, both parties need to get what they want and need from it and keep in mind that you don’t get to dictate what the other person wants or needs. You have to ask them what that is or figure that out and provide it
When you say, “His job is lots of hard work but I work also work hard and then some,” it sounds like you think you are the harder worker or are trying to diminish his efforts.
I would suggest you ask yourself what you really bring to the relationship and don’t overvalue any of it.
While it is a positive thing to have good self-esteem, unfortunately some people often think they are irreplaceable, perfect, or have no equal.
Overall, you sound needier and dictator oriented than ready to lead in your relationship and there is some tangible danger in you smothering him with your current approach.
Leaders must be good communicators and skilled at bringing out the best in those they lead.
Really good leaders often get help from those they lead so they can get better at leading them much more quickly.
Bottom line, however you got started on this female-led-relationship journey, try having some conversations with your guy and asking him what he likes about you being in charge and working from there.
Carrie said, “I want him to both see me as his wife and enhance our female-led relationship where I don’t feel I am having to punish him all the time because he refuses to do obey as I lead and direct for our mutual benefit.”
In theory, if a wife has her husband’s complete obedience she will never need to punish him, as he will never be disobedient. In practice, it seems that many dominant women punish their partner even when he has not disobeyed them. The wife I mentioned in my last comment said that sometimes when her husband has not misbehaved in any way, she will suddenly say to him “Right, pants and underpants down and across my knee!” She does this partly to keep him in the habit of obedience and partly because she enjoys spanking him and having him under her control.
My girlfriend and I know a couple who started off like Carrie and her husband. The wife spanked her husband when he desired it. She soon decided that this was not good enough, she wanted to use spanking as discipline. She had a discussion with him and told him that she was happy to have spanking as part of their relationship, but it had to be on her terms. He accepted this, so they made an agreement that she has the right to spank him whenever she wants to. If she thinks he ought to be spanked, he is spanked, whether he likes it or not. The spankings are consentual, as they are part of their agreement, but she does not have to ask for his consent every time. He has already consented to submit to marital discipline from her whenever she thinks fit.
She says that their marriage has been much better since they made the agreement, they seldom have rows or arguments. If he does something she disapproves of when they are at home, she at once tells him to lower his pants and underpants and bend over her knee for a paddling. If he misbehaves when they are out, she whispers to him that he will be going over her knee when they get home.
She says she thinks many men would accept disciplinary spankings if their partners were more self-confident. She says the discipline does not have to be overly severe. She spanks her husband hard enough to sting and make sitting down uncomfortable, but she is not brutal and only uses a hairbrush or a wooden spoon. The humiliation of being spanked on his bottom can be just as important as the pain.
I hope things have worked out and that Carrie’s husband is now fully cooperating in their female-led relationship. I find the first sentence very exciting: “…she needs to secure the complete obedience of her husband.” Yes, that’s the way it should be. Husbands should obey their wives completely. And if they don’t, pants down, underpants down, and across her knee for a severe spanking! That would make for happier marriages.
I agree that the phrase “complete obedience” is very exciting. My girlfriend spanks me mostly for erotic reasons, only occasionally as discipline, it is not a 24/7 disciplinary relationship. However, I sometimes wonder what it would be like if she were as strict with me as some women are with their boyfriends and paddled my bottom severely for every minor act of misbehavior. I think I would be a very obedient boyfriend!
It would be interesting to know what has happened in the five years or so that have gone by since Carrie posted this. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if my girlfriend insisted on my complete obedience: I would probably be across her knee every day of the week and would not be able to sit down at all! However, I believe that with time I would come to obey her without constant punishment. Spanking aside, I enjoy submitting to my girlfriend and I find it exciting when she tells me to do something in a firm voice. When she says, “Do what I say, boy, now!” I usually obey without having my bottom warmed.
Carrie, as a spanked husband I don’t see any real commitment to this type of relationship from your husband. My wife and I have had many discussions over the years. We both know that it won’t work unless we both agree on the rules, guidelines and my willingness to accept real punishment spankings when she thinks I need it. This isn’t for everyone as getting a punishment spanking is something to be feared and avoided. You both need to be committed and in agreement with everything. Not all of my spankings are for punishment but I know that I will be hurting and humbled and I still gladly submit to her because I know how well it works for us. Good luck.
With in a very good marriage I seem to totally deserve a bare ass paddling about twice a year—My wife is of a more religious and moral nature so for certain behaviors with my male friends I take a deserved bare paddling from my wife–I know I got it coming as soon as I get home—I do not to wait til the next day so I get the skinny strap in the garage -take a quick shower and go over her lap and the sofa and she paddles my naked butt and it hurts like crazy—Since no one else knows there is no matter of shame or embarrassment—It hurts on my bare butt ALOT –I totally got it coming I know—WOW if my male friends whom I am out with knew I was getting a bare ass paddling with in a few minutes of their dropping me off–I would be laughed out of this town
You need a chastity device and be firm. Honestly, it worked for me.
Hello Carrie, this is Miss J.
I have dealt with this type of frustrating behaviour from my own husband. I have found a couple methods to curb these type of selfish habits. Trust me it’s not a lost cause. You can have a very attentive husband. Email me if you would like to communicate further. (strictmissj@gmail.com)
Editor’s Note: Miss J. speaks from a position of authority: She is the real-life disciplinarian in the stories authored by Sean and Miss J. on this site.
I wish I had a woman who disciplined me as I know I need to be.
“When he desires the paddling..”? That sentence alone tells me he has no interest in you being in charge. Terry and I agree I need to be in charge in many areas, behavior being at the top of the list. However, in financial matters and investments he is the one that makes the final decisions.
I allow no secrecy in anything that affects or reflects on how Terry acts – NONE.
I doubt your husband is really interested in you being in charge and is playing a game. Terry never “wants” a paddling believe me. He may confess something he knows will get him one but that is quite different.
If I am wrong, and your husband really agrees you should be in charge in certain areas, he should be paddled hard, every night for two weeks to prove it – 200 hard smacks with a hairbrush every evening followed by an hour of corner time seems appropriate. He also has to be clear about what areas you will be in control of.
Let me know if he accepts the break-in spankings I suggested.
Rose
You are very strict, Rose – two hundred smacks! If my girlfriend gave me twenty hard smacks with a hairbrush every evening, it would be quite enough to make me obey her.